Okay so I signed up to this free book offer a couple of months ago and the first time I got it, it said I would get a free gift next time and it arrived today [with more books] and one was a bookmark, citin'! No, seriously, I liked and preferred the bookmark to the other free gift I got, which was..... cutlery.

It's not like I have anything against cutlery, the fork is an elegant creature and stabber of chips, I likes it. But....why?? It's not like these are nice cutlery either, it says it's nice but they just look regular to me. They have to say that they're nice though, don't they? They can't exactly go, "And from the shittest range of rusty-painted-to-look-silver cutlery, we have the fork, formerly used to scratch a hobo's arse, the knife, formerly used to stab a small child who wouldn't shut up in the eye and the spoon, formerly found in the bottom of a sewer and wrestled from five rats, all this for FREE!"

They aren't disgusting by the way, I just don't see why they're a free gift. Surely I'd have enough cutlery really, with no need of free ones from a book company. They want to look like they're doing you a favour but really they're just getting rid of spare cutlery they don't know what to do with. What do knives and forks have to do with books anyway?? It'd be different if it was a cook book or something...

And get this, to tempt me ever so much into getting the next package, it tells me, 'You'll receive another free cutlery set with each parcel of books until you have the entire collection of six, with our compliments!' ....Why would I want to collect even more?? The one set is enough! It's also not a very fun collection object, is it? Oh, what do you collect? Game cards? China dolls? Concert tickets? Oh, me? I collect cutlery! Yeah, it'll be a riot in the playground, imagine that - I'll trade you my fork for one of your Pikachus. Silver spoon, I choose you!

Well, they could come to some use, excuse me while I build a weapon from this cutlery and stab these people with my silverware wrath, like squirrelly wrath but shinier.