Hey, my name's Shanade and I like girls as well as boys, I always have. I only admitted this to myself 3 years ago, I think I kind of ignored it before and pretended it wasn't there, but it was.

I've seriously been noticably interested in girls since I was about 7, I just excused it as being perverted though. Like in the changing rooms, I didn't really want to look away when a girl was changing, this is primary school I'm talking about.

I don't think I actually ever thought, "I'd like to have _____ as my girlfrfiend, that'd be cool," cause I didn't see it as that, I saw it as being perverted, cause no one looked at people in the changing rooms unless you want to be caled a lesbian and kids, back then and now, find that insulting. I actually remember one girl going in the shower in year 7 at a school trip thing we were at for a week and declaring, "If anyone looks, they're a lesbian!" which was slightly funny cause no one even said anything prior to her announcement, she was just going in the shower. I won't even lie, her saying that just tempted me to look even more now that she'd mentioned people looking.

The irony of that is someone actually opened the curtains when I was showering at that very place....that was embarrassing as hell.

Okay so I'm gonna try and remember how I felt before I became comfortable with my sexuality because I honestly find it hard to remember. I guess I just didn't tell anyone I found girls attractive, I just sort of observed.

I really knew something was up when I was about 15 or so and I saw that lesbian scene in Cruel Intentions, I think the movie was (when a girl gets taught how to kiss by another girl), and got really turned on. At that time, I don't remember what I thought of it, I just knew something in me liked it. Haha it's like when I saw a sex scene when I was much younger and didn't know what the weird feeling in my nether regions was all about.

I 'came out' to myself and a few people when I was 16 and a few months old, after being really turned on by a gothy girl in short skirt walking in front of me after school one day and it was a bit windy. I told my boyfriend at the time, who was also bisexual, that I think I might like girls and it went from there. My friend told me that I wasn't a proper bisexual unless I could imagine living with a girl, like, as a couple. My ex begged to differ, and said mere attraction was enough, and I believed him.

I think, now that I mention that, that I labelled myself as bicurious for ages, and even told a few friends, but that changed when I spoke to my ex.

At that point, I couldn't yet imagine dating a girl and I only recently could imagine it actually. Recently being, maybe early this year? But now, I totally can, and might actually be on my way to doing so right now as the situation stands. (I'll explain later)

I got into a thing with a girl from Scotland when I was about 16/17 after meeting on the Mighty Boosh forum but we never met, we just acted like a couple on there and I really did have strong feelings for her. That was the cloest to love I had ever felt for a girl.

When I was 17 I developed strong feelings for Mila Kunis, she was my first girl crush after I got That 70s Show season 1 boxset on DVD and kept watching it. She played Jackie, by the way.

I made out with my first girl when I had recently turned 18.

Recently I had a thing with a Canadian called Erin since about March and only met her recently when she came to England, that felt like a proper relationship online but I wasn't feeling it as much when we met. Main reason: I generally get bored around 4 months into a relationship...however, I stopped feeling it longer than 4 months, which is good for me! The fact we hadn't met makes the survival of my interest void though, as it doesn't compare properly to the real life relationships I've had where I've gotten bored after said duration of time.

Another recent occurance was that I 'had sex' with a girl for the first time a few months ago, and liked it.

As the situation stands right now, I'm really into a girl called Emma who I got back from a date from literally a few hours ago. It all felt really natural, and we even held hands on the tube. If you know London and the tube system, you'll know how nervous it can make you, it's even scary to look at people, so that was a small achievement for me.

I saw 2 girls holding hands earlier, which is definately more than I'm used to in the space of about 15 minues, so I took that as a small sign of the night to come.

Know what's cool though? Well...what's nice for me anyway, it isn't exactly 'cool': girls holding hands isn't as 'weird' as guys holding hands. Like, best girl friends can hold hands and it isn't weird but if guys do it, it's seen as weirder and definately more gay. I wasn't pretending like me and Emma were only close friends by thinking of this, I think it was obvious she wasn't by the way we were acting towards each other, and I wasn't trying to hide it either.

The date:

We went for cocktails in Camden and stayed there for a bit, then went to see what The Hawley Arms (the pub destroyed by the Camden fire early this year) looked like now that it was open again - it looked wonderful, meaning that it looked the same, but glad they managed to get it back like that.

We first held hands when we left the cocktail bar on the way to the Hawley - she has really soft hands.

We then got on the bus to Leicester Square to go to see Saw V.

Okay, let me explain myself a bit here in regards to this movie before I go on... I am a big fan of the Saw series, love them all apart from Saw 4, Saw 4 killed it and was going too far so I was bitching about Saw V so much cause I was convinced it was going to be really bad. I kept saying, "I wanna see what they did to it but I am NOT paying for it, not giving my money to that movie, it will be shit..." Well, I DID pay to see it and not only that, this is the West End we're talking about so adult tickets were £12.50...I SPENT ABOUT £25 ON A MOVIE I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO PAY A QUID TO SEE!

I got paid on Friday though so it's ok....

Anyway, back to the date:

We got on the tube after the movie at like something past 11 and I decided to get off at her stop with her cause I kinda didn't wanna leave her. I got the Hammersmith & City line back to Paddington and we said bye, then we made out for the first time. She texted me 5 minutes after I got on the tube saying she missed me already. <3

She's seriously probably the cutest person I actually know, and her kisses are like candyfloss. If I explain why, it'll sound soppy as hell though.

Because they're really soft and super sweet, just like her....

So yeah, I'm more than confident that I'm definately not just curious, I DO like girls as much as guys, maybe even a bit more but I can't know that for sure yet, I've not had a proper girlfriend yet, have I?