Okay, it doesn't matter if this is made public or not cause we just spoke and he knows we don't have a relationship, I know he does, I didn't even have to say "I want to break up" because seriously, what is there to break? There isn't anything, nothing was....together!

I didn't want this to affect us as much as it has but I didn't realise in the grand scheme of things how old 30 really was. 30 year olds want kids soon, they want to settle down, start a family...look for someone at around that age that they intend to spend the rest of their life with and that person could never be me, I'm 19....NINETEEN.

I'm happy with seeing him and spending time with him and having awesome sex but in his eyes, that's literally all it is. I'm not insulting him, he knows all of this - he doesn't see me as a proper 'girlfriend'. He may call me it but he doesn't mean it like how people usually mean it...he just means it as someone he's 'with'.

Shit...my head feels really messed up that I can't even really gather my thoughts right now cause I've just had a bit of a wake-up call.

Ok...main deal be this: I can't ever satisfy his long-term needs...ever. Only way that I could is to mature and therefore age, or for him to do the opposite. That isn't even me getting down on myself, that's literally the only way we could 'work'. Right now, the thing we have is definitely more of a bit of fun than a 'relationship'.

Me and Benji see things very differently cause I'd see myself as single now...for the most part. He told me he wouldn't class himself as single and I didn't either til just now because it's my own definition of a boyfriend that I'm thinking of, his idea of a boy/girlfriend is very different.

We're still going to see each other for the time being, I just plan on not getting attached in the slightest, like with someone else I mentioned previously in that private post.

I feel a bit like I'm being rude to Benji by telling this blog how I feel but not telling him completely how I felt when I phoned him.

If you're reading this Benji, I'm a lot better at expressing myself through writing too and this is like my therapy.

I can't go on seeing him for much longer, but for now it's ok but if I'm still regularly seeing him and he gets with someone properly, I will indeed feel upset obviously so for now it's ok but at some point I will be like, "okay...we had a ton of fun but I can't do this anymore." Not now though....just...in the not too distant future.

He saw it as nothing too serious in the beginning and now as he reached 30, he's seeing it as less of a thing I think...cause he wants to look for a partner, a proper one.

It will be sad to stop seeing him but that is why I want to do it gradually, not just like that.

I'm glad it was only 2 months cause if it were more, I'd find this a harder thing to do.

When I first met Benji, I thought it was just gonna be a fling for maybe a week, that was my first thought about where we stood. It only escalated when he started being nice to me...like how boyfriends are nice, not how friends are nice.

I'm seeing him on Sunday before I see Kindle DJ...

For now I think I really am okay. I've let a lot of emotion out via. this blog post as well as through my eyes earlier.

I said the email didn't make me upset but one bit did....so I lied a bit, sorry. He mentioned one subject I've heard come up several times but hearing it out loud is saddening... he said he'd like to see other people too and that he doesn't see himself falling in love with me...he meant ever.

This is the difference between an open relationship and a bit of fun...to me, I can't go on if I know he's definitely looking for someone that could never be me. If he said he wanted to see other people and nothing more...that's an open relationship but this what we're in right now isn't just that....he wants someone else totally.

The structure of this post is dreadful and lots of paragraphs should probably be switched around but I'm sure you could let me off this one time, I'm not in the right state of mind. The least I am doing is spellchecking it.

More friends-only posts to come in the near future most likely.

Current record for relationships is still stuck at 4 months...and this wasn't even a proper relationship.

I feel noooowhere near as bad as I have done before about relationships, especially the last one that ended, that made me sad for months.

When people ask what's going on with us though, I will say we aren't together anymore because that's the only way I can explain it to people...cause they WILL ask. I can't be arsed to go, "well, we're not really a couple and never really were to begin with because he doesn't see himself in a proper thing with me but I am still seeing him for a bit now until I'm ready to let him go completely, but we aren't together, I'm just seeing him sometimes." That's a fucking mouthful and will get people confused and ask yet more questions.

I bet you because I am so honest about things and really specific that I will go, "we're not together anymore...well, we're still seeing each other but not in a dating way...not like we ever were properly...nothing much has changed at all, I just see him as someone different to me, someone who isn't a boyfriend, just someone who I like having fun with. He sees me in the same way really though."

I will fucking VOW to say "we're not together anymore" though and if they who ask find out I've been seeing him still and are like wtf, I'll be like, "I'm just seeing him for fun now"...easy!

Know what question I do not want? ..."What happened?" or "Why?" I don't want to repeat that age thing and stuff like that, but I know I'm gonna have to cause people are curious bastards, specially at work.